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Q: Dear Gym Bro, recently, my fiancé and I bought a Sprinter van and started living on the road. We’re both remote tech workers, so we can work on rest days and follow conditions around the country, from Rifle to Hueco to the Red, and so on. But our van is close quarters, and we sometimes get frustrated sharing such a small space, especially when we aren’t getting along. I’m worried that all this “togetherness” is going to blow up our relationship. The thing is, we’re committed—we sold our house to climb and travel for at least a few years. But six months in, I’m having doubts. Any advice is appreciated.

A: I heard the new set is super-fucking soft, bro. Like, really, really fucking soft. Like Tastee Freez ice-cream soft. Like Charmin soft. Like summer-ticks-in-Ten-Sleep soft.  At least, that’s what everyone is saying on Kaya, and there’s even a video of some chick flashing the V10 with the blue slopers, so, like, how hard can it be? Anyway, I’ve been MoonBoarding a lot. Like, A LOT. Like six days a week. And, NBD, but I’m linking moves I could barely do a month ago and pissing on mad benchies. Shit slaps, no cap. 

I may even go to Swissie next spring and hit up Alphane if I can get my sponsors to buy me a plane ticket. I heard it’s just a V12 into another V12 into another V12 or some shit, and V12s are going down smoother than a tall glass o’ PhysiVāntage. Imma lowkey ping my boi David Graham when I’m over there and get that wizard beta IRL. Send with the quickness and stoke the sponsies. Gonna be lit, fam.

Hey, isn’t the gym having a dyno comp soon? Can you film me doing deadlifts in the weightroom? I need to get my ups on—it’s a vibe. There better not be anyone in my fucking way when I get in there.

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Q: Dear Gym Bro, I’m an older climber (47) who’s looking to “level up” my climbing. Don’t get me wrong—I’m happy with how hard I can climb, but I’ve also been stuck on a plateau for a few years and wonder if I still have time left to push new grades. My main worry about starting a training program at my age is that I’ll get injured, then have to miss a season. Any ideas about resources for veteran climbers like me who want to train conservatively but still see gains?

A: Dafuq? Whodafuq knocked over my chalk pot? Like, are you BLIND, or what? Like, you just didn’t see it sitting there right under the problem I’ve been monopolizing ALL MORNING? Are you BRAIN DEAD, bro? I mean, did you HAVE to climb THAT problem? I’d just brushed it and everything, too. 

Man, some people….

I get up to take a leak and flex in the bathroom mirror and do max hangs and check my Insta and do core and go next door for a coffee and get another neck tattoo and hit on the cute girl working the front desk, and I come back two hours later and there’s $5 of chalk spilled under MY problem cuz some dipshit yeeted my chalkpot across the mats when they fell off their gumby warm-up. Yeah, I get chalk for free, so NBD, but I’m just saying, maybe you can, like, pay me back or whatever since you were so fucking careless and selfish. Venmo works. I’m on there as @pissingonV16—yeah, the one with the Bored Ape Yacht Club NFT profile pic. My mom got me it for Christmas cuz she said she was proud of her “handsome little strongboi.”

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Q: Dear Gym Bro, hoping you can settle this one for me. I was at the gym the other day and put my rope down below a route, then two guys sitting on a bench 50 feet away said, “Actually, we were about to climb there,” even though they didn’t have their rope or any gear below the wall. I didn’t really care which route I did next so just let them have their turn, but the whole thing struck me as weird. I mean, can you really “claim” a section of wall even if you aren’t physically under it?

A: Hey, does my “route setter” T-shirt look too tight? Lowkey, I’ve been eating keto and training like a fiend lately, and I feel like I’m getting swole AF. But maybe my shirt just shrank in the dryer? I dunno. I was hoping you could tell me. I’m so strong, I just can’t tell anymore.

You should try pink holds. I think it’s the best problem I’ve ever set.

Anyway, what was the question? Some shit about who goes first on the wall? The stronger climber, obviously. Like, DUH. I mean, which lion eats first in the jungle? The alpha, with the harem and the big mane and the rippling muscles? Or the beta whose ribs are poking through and who’s covered in mange and fleas?

There’s your answer. If you want to get strong enough to be first on the wall, let me know. I’ve been coaching for three months now. They have my card at the front desk.

Matt Samet is a freelance writer and editor based in Boulder, Colorado. He is the author of the Climbing Dictionary and the memoir Death Grip. 

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